Depressed? Just Remember, At Least You’re Not a Jaguars Fan

Are you pissed off at the world? Does it feel like your life is spinning completely out of control? Do you have the urge to just punch someone, anyone, square in the face? Is this misery all connected to the poor performance of your favorite NFL team who lost a game? (It is for me.) Well, I may have found the remedy for you and I, my fellow football enthusiast.

All we have to do is repeat one phrase, two, maybe three times, and all of that pain will go away.

Are you ready? Take a deep breath and repeat after me:

“Thank God I’m not a Jags fan.”

One more time now, ready? Breath in, and….

“Thank God I’m not a Jags fan.”

Exhale… Phew. I don’t know about you, but I feel a thousand percent better already. Forget the fact the Eagles gave up 33 points yesterday lost on a last second field goal. Thank God I’m not a Jags fan!

What is it about that phrase that makes all of the hurt go away so easy, you might ask? Well, aside from the fact that being a Jags fan is just a completely miserable way to go about your everyday life—and aside from the other fact that the Jags lost 19-9 to the team that I made the Bold Prediction would go 0-16 (but said I’d be willing to modify it so the prediction is now that the Jags would go 0-16), and aside from the other other fact that they rank dead last in just about every major offensive category, and aside from the other other other fact that they hadn’t scored a touchdown until there were just under three minutes left in the 4th quarter of their second game of the season—being a Jags fan means that even TV stations apologize to you about their being forced to televise that garbage. Seriously.

Orlando CBS affiliate WKMG-TV issued an apology to viewers because of the fact that they were obligated to show the Jacksonville-Oakland game on Sunday. Hell if they wanted people to think they were doing so by choice. The station sent out this tweet shortly after the game’s 4:25 ET kickoff:

Just to further distance itself from the train wreck that was unfurling over their airwaves, and make sure that fans completely understood that they had nothing to do with this, WKMG scrolled a message across the bottom of the screen during the game saying they were simply complying with the NFL’s policy and that they “apologize for any inconvenience.”

According to WKMG Vice President and General Manager Skip Valet, the arrangement between the NFL and the Orlando-based station is nothing new. Since Jacksonville can’t get enough of their own residents to support the team, Orlando has been designated the secondary Jaguars market and has carried Jags away games for nearly the last 20 years.

“I know it’s frustrating, but as a CBS station in this market you have to carry the away games,” Valet told the Associated Press.

The Jags have are currently 31st in the league in scoring with 11 points, two points ahead of the Pittsburgh Steelers who still have yet to suit up for their second game of the season… Jacksonville has missed the playoffs in 11 of the last 13 years and are coming off of their worst season in franchise history, going 2-14. They’ve now lost their last 7 games in a row dating back to the end of last season (and probably will not see that streak end any time soon).

So, yeah. Thank God I’m not a Jags fan.

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